I’m going to tell you all a delightful story. Yes! It’s the tale of my first ever Tinder date, which just so happened to be in Japan. Tuck yourself in and get ready for a fun ride!

Some Quick Backstory

Well, I can’t remember his name anymore as this was over four years ago, so let’s call him Mouth. You will discover why shortly. At the time, I had no phone and had been using Tinder on my laptop at home. Shortly after matching, we transferred onto Facebook to continue chatting. I’m pretty sure that no more than a day had passed when he invited me out on a date. Being a complete fool, I said yes. I mean, everyone has to have a first time, so how bad could my first ever Tinder date be?

He had asked me to come and meet him at one of the many train station exits in Ikebukuro. Well, with my enviable powers of being able to get lost in my own house, I took on the challenge and made sure I had written down the station exit. So, I got completely smegging lost, didn’t I? I ended up arriving 15 minutes late to my first ever Tinder date, despite having arrived in Ikebukuro slightly earlier. I had just been wandering around the train station the whole time!

We Meet

Anyway, this is where the fun begins.

I only had a vague mental image in my head of what he looked like (no phone means no pictures). I’d anticipated it would be difficult for us to find each other, so I’d asked him to approach me first because foreigners stand out much more here.

I stood around, anxiously awaiting my suitor for the afternoon, and then finally there was movement. However, the man who eventually walked over looked NOTHING like any of his pictures.

“Jade?” he asked.

“Mouth?” I responded somewhat incredulously.

His eyes were all fine and dandy, but his nose resembled that of Voldemort’s (a snake’s). And his mouth… Oh lordy lord, his mouth resembled that of a shark’s… A shark who had smoked fifty cigarettes a day for fifty years. His teeth were not only higgledy-piggledy crossed over each other at interesting angles, they were also blackened and rotting in places.

“Is this man really only 26?” I thought to myself.

Anyhoo, looks aren’t everything and I thought that he might have a great personality. “At the very least, we could always be friends,” I said to myself.

What Wishful Thinking!

He had set the date for 4pm. This is neither lunchtime nor dinner time, so I made sure I had eaten beforehand. He immediately asked if I were hungry. When I said “kind of but not really,” he led the way to a grilled-chicken-skewers restaurant.

At The Restaurant

He didn’t ask me what I wanted from the menu and quickly ordered something. There was no English menu and my Japanese was practically non-existent at that point, so I left it up to him.

Then began the questions!

While awaiting the food, we made light conversation. His English wasn’t much better than my Japanese, but at least he could semi-form sentences. Despite the language barriers, he managed to ask me some very important and revealing questions about myself.

Mouth: “What’s your favourite animal?”

Me: “Err… monkeys. You?”

Mouth: “I like black horses.”

Well, if I’d known I had to specify which colour of monkey, we might have gotten along better in our relationship.

The Food Arrives

After such thrilling conversation, we were sorely interrupted by the arrival of a plate of four chicken skewers. Mouth immediately dug in and didn’t indicate whether I was supposed to eat with him or not. However, the waiter had brought over two smaller plates for us, so I gingerly took two of the skewers and ate them alongside him, wondering whether I had imagined his glare or not. My first ever Tinder date was certainly off to a good start.

When we approached the till, before I had even had a chance to reach for my purse, he demanded that I pay for half. Considering it was a very cheap restaurant and that one skewer cost around £1, I was rather surprised at his blunt, somewhat angry tone. Either way, I had intended to pay my way because that’s the way I roll, but it was a little odd.

The Photo-booth

Where to next? Well, obviously a special photo-editing Japanese photo-booth otherwise known as “purikura”… Duh! These are similar to the typical “take a passport photo” photo-booths; however, they are MUCH bigger. They can contain groups of people – usually young, squealing Japanese girls. So, once inside, I watched in amazement as we chose a photo theme and followed the models’ examples of how we should pose for each photo on a big screen. We were then told to go into an attached booth next door to edit the photos with a magic-touch pen.

This Is When Things Started to Get a Bit Creepy

Midway through editing, Mouth suddenly turned to me and said “Yay! Hug?” Being highly unaware that hugs meant a lot more in Japan than they do in the UK, I naively shrugged and said “Sure.” After the awkwardly tight hug, he pulled away and said “Kiss?”

Uh oh.

I gingerly pulled away from him and shook my head shyly (while thinking “Oh, smeg no!”). I’d literally only known the guy for thirty minutes. He quickly finished off the editing in a huff, and we headed out of the booth to collect the photos.

Oh Dear, What’s Next?

From there, he dragged me along to a game centre. By game centre, I mean one of those places where you can play pool, bowling and darts etc.

On the way there, we had to get on an escalator. He alarmingly tried to kiss me while taking it up to the floor we needed. Public displays of affection are not commonplace in Japan, so I was surprised at his confidence… if that’s what you’d call it. Well, it’s either confidence or plain stupidity as I had literally rejected him about seven minutes earlier.

I swiftly and awkwardly dodged his attempt and he ended up kissing my eye – wonderful! Luckily, he didn’t try again. If this was happening on my first ever Tinder date, I dreaded to think what future Tinder activity would bring.

Let the Games Commence

Once we had finally made it to the game centre, Mouth suggested we play darts. Now, I had never played darts before, and I’m pretty terrible at most sports. But, I brightly accepted the challenge anyway.

Mouth: “I win punch you.”

Me: “Come again?”

Mouth: “I win, punch you. You win, punch me.”

Me: “…Okay…?”

And it turned out he was serious. Mouth’s suggestion was that the winner gets to punch the loser. It was most curious that he wanted to punch rather than kiss me considering recent events, but perhaps this was his way of dealing with rejection…?

And the Winner Is…

As expected, he won.

Mouth: “Yes! Hahaha! I win! I win! You lose!”

And with that, he gave me a fair punch on the arm. “Ouch,” I thought.

Round 2

Unsurprisingly Mouth won again.

Mouth: “Haha! You loser! I win, I win!”

This time, he punched me gentler… but he punched me in the face. “What the smeg?” I thought.

Round 3

By some miraculous turn of events, I won!

Me: “Haha! I won!”

And with that, I gave him a nice whack on the arm. I must admit that I felt some pleasure watching him rub his arm in mild consternation. What a way my first ever Tinder date was going.

“Never again.” I thought.

Can I Leave Now?

We paid half-and-half and left the building. I very much wanted to go home, but I had three problems, which were NO…

• Sense of direction.
• No phone and thus…
• No Google maps.

At this point, Mouth had taken a new approach.

Mouth: “Come my house.”

Me: “I’m okay, thanks. We’ve only just met.”

Mouth: “No problem! Come my house!”

Me: “Why? What do you want to do?”

Mouth: “Talking!”

Me: “Okay, well we can talk here… outside.”

With that, I promptly found a bench to sit on.

Me: “Right! What do you want to talk about?”

Mouth: “What’s your favourite animal?”

Me (wide-eyed): “…Monkeys? And you?”

Mouth: “I like black dragons.”

“Well, at least there’s some sort of theme going on.” I thought. I wish I could have seen the expression on my face.

Alas, my bewilderment didn’t perturb him, though. He repeated many times that he wanted me to come back to his place to “talk more.” I kept wishing that I could somehow remember where the station was. He suddenly stopped his pestering and took me by the hand.

Mouth: “Let’s go.”

Me: “Go where?”

Mouth: “Walking.”

Talk Room

He took me on a walk through small, winding alleyways and I wondered if this is where I’d get murdered.

Suddenly, he stopped outside a building. Although I couldn’t read Japanese, luckily a friend had explained to me what this kind of establishment was a few weeks ago when we had happened to walk past one.

Mouth: “Let’s go inside.”

Me: “What is it?”

Mouth: “Talk room.”

Me: “Talk room?”

Mouth: “Yes! Talk room!”

Me: “It’s a love hotel.”

Mouth: “No, talk room.”

Me: “It’s a love hotel.”

Mouth: “Yes, love hotel.

For those who aren’t familiar with love hotels, they are basically hotels made with cheaters in mind. Although that’s not their only purpose, you can read more in this post I wrote all about them if you’re intrigued.

Please, Someone Smegging Help Me Escape

At this point, I was starting to feel incredibly anxious about getting back home.

Mouth: “What’s your favourite animal?”

Me (exasperated): “Monkeys, you?”

Mouth: “I like black panthers.”

Of course you smegging do.

Finally, by some play of luck, he said something that actually interested me. While trying to force me to come back to his house, he let slip that it was only two stops away by train.

Me: “Really? It’s so close! In that case, let’s go!”

Mouth: “You come my house?”

Me: “Yes, let’s go!”

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Once we had arrived at the station, I quickly searched for my train line. Luckily, it was different to the one that he needed to catch. Hoping for the best, I quickly made a dash for it and scooted through the ticket barrier. Mouth merely stared at me in surprise.

Mouth: “Why no come my house?”

Me: “Because I just met you for the first time today. I don’t know who you are.”

“But, I DO know you’re a smegging psychopath. Take your favourite animals and shove them up your arse.” I thought.

Once safely back at home, I checked Facebook messenger.

Mouth: “Why no come my house?”

Me (Seriously??): “Because today was the first day we met.”

Mouth: “Bye.”

And then he blocked me. “Well, thank smeg for that!” I thought.

Two Days Later…

I received another Facebook message.

Mouth: Hello 😊❤️

Me: *blocks*

And that was the story of my first ever Tinder date! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did while retelling it. Dear smegging god, there are some mad ones out there.