Over my three years in Japan, I have noticed that the romantic relationships that the Japanese indulge in are very different to those that I see in Europe and America. Let me explain why Japanese married couples don’t have sex.

Young Japanese couples, those that are simply dating and not yet wed, are not affectionate in public. In fact, no Japanese couples, married or otherwise, are affectionate in public. The most you will see are couples holding hands, and some Japanese couples are not even affectionate behind closed doors. Indeed, I found this out first-hand with my first two Japanese boyfriends. In fact, I have not had extremely successful relationships with any Japanese men. Alas, the vast majority of my foreign friends (both male and female) have all had huge problems and, in some cases, deep regrets about marrying their Japanese counterparts.

So, what’s the problem?

My Japanese friends all tell me that they have never seen their parents hug or kiss each other. They also claim to have stopped receiving hugs and kisses from their parents at a young age. And, many say that their parents never told them “I love you”. Japanese family members show their love with their actions rather than words. For example, giving their children lifts in the car or cleaning up after them, so they don’t “need” to say the actual words.

Knowing this, it’s obvious why Japanese married couples don’t have sex. Growing up with a lack of affection means that they in turn don’t give (or perhaps don’t know how to give) affection to their own partners when they become adults. This merely continues into marriage and having children of their own, and the cycle goes on.

Why get married?

Essentially, a lot of Japanese people still marry for public status and financial stability. Japanese girls are raised with the ingrained message of “marry the richest man you can so you can live comfortably”. Unfortunately, due to this, many put the notion of love aside and do just that. This is another big reason why Japanese married couples don’t have sex.

The following highly stereotypical routine reminds me of the UK forty years ago and works thusly. A gorgeous young girl finds an older, (usually not-so-gorgeous) rich man. They get married. During the dating phase, it seems as though the pair are madly in love (and it could even be so in some cases). They get married, and the wife stops working and becomes a housewife. The husband continues working to support the family, and the wife takes his entire salary. To her husband, she gives monthly “pocket money” out of his earnings. The wife then uses the rest of his salary to pay for the house, bills, groceries and whatever else they may want or need. Of course, the richer the husband, the more fun activities the wife can do in her free time too.

Babies

They have sex until the wife falls pregnant once or twice. Typically, the children sleep in the same bed (or at least the same room) as the parents until they have grown up a bit. This causes another big reason why Japanese married couples don’t have sex. At this point, the husband usually searches for sexual favours elsewhere.

Hunting for sex

There are a large number of “girl bars” or “hostess clubs” (read more on them here) in Japan. Plus strip clubs, brothels and – for the super rich – sugar daddy services too. So, men may find what they feel they are lacking in their marriages in these places.

The wives normally know what is going on but choose to turn a blind eye for fear of getting a divorce. This would result in public disapproval and financial and familial instability for her and her children. Don’t get me wrong, Japanese wives are also disloyal to their husbands, and some have lovers on the side or visit “host clubs” regularly too.

Related Post: Japanese Host Clubs – For the Women of Japan

Unable to return to their family homes, many Japanese people who are having affairs take their lovers to love hotels for a bit of privacy.

This isn’t all just hearsay.

Working as an English conversation teacher, you end up becoming not only someone’s teacher but also his or her therapist. I have heard about so many miserable marriages from my students. I teach husbands and wives alike that play away from home because they are completely unsatisfied with their relationships.

Divorce

Divorce is still very much taboo in Japan, but, funnily enough, more and more Japanese couples have started to get divorced once the husband has retired. This is because, until then, the couple spends most of their time apart as the Japanese work incredibly long hours. Once retired, the wives can’t stand to have their freedom dominated by the presence of their now-also-free husbands.

The Japanese meaning of “family”

When I previously asked some Japanese friends why the sex in their relationships stopped, they told me that they no longer saw their partners as lovers but as “family”. This is a very peculiar phrase that I have only heard in Japan. By “family”, they mean that they see their husbands and wives more like brothers and sisters. So, they lose any sexual attraction to them, but stay together to bring up the children and continue the notion they have of “family”.

Essentially marriage is performed for security rather than for love. Another (scary) thing I have been told more than once in Japan is this:

“A woman’s worth starts to decrease from age 25 because she loses her beauty and youth. However, a man’s worth continues to increase as he gets older because he gets ever richer.”

If you are a woman over the age of thirty and you are still not married, everyone acts very concerned for you. It is almost as if you are seen as “past your sell-by date”. I am merely glad that I am not Japanese and am not forced to conform to this way of thinking! But, since living here and being surrounded by these ideas for so long, I too recently have started becoming aware of my age and marital status. Yet, I am currently 26 and, before coming to Japan, didn’t even like the idea of marriage! Madness.

I hope you found this post interesting and now understand why Japanese married couples don’t have sex.

It certainly has been a wild ride discovering this all for myself.

Adios amigos!

Jade xxx