I admit it; I peed in the bath. There are, of course, many reasons not to pee in the bath. The most obvious being that it probably goes against the whole point of cleaning yourself if, at the end, you’re left sat in your own highly diluted urine.

I have my own tale of woe, and it goes thusly.

Incoming Story of Woe

One day, Jade sprained her ankle. “How did she do that?” I hear voices exclaim. Well, my little smeglets, I’ll tell you exactly how! I sprained my ankle by walking.

“Impossible!” you cry.

Well, not so! According to Braceability.com and other sports-injury sites, walking is a perfectly reasonable(?!) way to sprain one’s ankle.

c. braceability.com

In fact, I actually accounted for numbers 1-4 of the above list of reasons to get a sprain. So, I guess it was all my fault! Anyway, I digress…

What Does Your Sprained Ankle Have To Do With The Time You Peed In The Bath, Jade?

Well, because of this sprained ankle, I used the RICE technique to cure it. Rest, Ice, Compress, Elevate: RICE. I then read further information on sprains and discovered that another curing method doth existeth! Behold, the METH method (no, I’m not joking). Movement, Elevation, Traction, Heat: METH.

I promptly decided after three days of icing my foot half to death that a hot bath was in order!

Enter: Le Bathtub (Definitely How The French Say It)

My bathtub was filthy, so I quickly got to work scrubbing the smeg out of it with an old toothbrush (still not joking). It’s the only thing hard and scrubby enough to do anything, plus it reaches small crevices.

I then ran a nice hot bath and jumped (well, delicately hobbled) into it with my Kindle. After a while (a long while) of reading and soothing my poor, frozen ankle, I felt the need to pee.

Enter Le Bladder (Definitely How The French Say It)

The bladder was calling to be released. Whispering gently, “Freeeee meeeee! Emptyyyy meeeee!”

“I’m not listening to you, bladder,” I said crossly. “I shall release you once I exit le bathtub.”

However, a lot more time passed and the warmth was still very soothing. And I didn’t want to get out. So…

Enter L’Urine (Actually How The French Say It)

I peed in the bath.

*Shocked gasps from the readers*

I didn’t wish to, but time passed in such a fashion that I had little choice but to let it trickle out. Okay, it was more like a sudden gush. Anyway, this is disgusting. Moving swiftly on!

After a few more minutes (okay, perhaps ten or twenty more) in the bath, I stood up to shower off. My bathroom has a compact bath/shower unit, so it was a simple-enough plan. Bathe in your own urine for a bit and then wash it all off with soap and stuff.

The Tragedy Occurs

The problem happened upon limp-standing up. I started to run the shower and then bent down to unplug the bath. As I stood back up again after unplugging it, I caught sight of something awful in my peripheral vision.

Water started gushing out from under the sink and from the cabinet behind the toilet. You need to understand that often in Japan, the toilet, sink and bath/shower are all one tiny connected plastic unit. Usually a nasty beigey-brown colour (see above picture).

The Tragedy Continues

I watched in open-mouthed horror as the bath water (highly diluted urine included) gushed across the floor. It then overflowed and spilled out into the rest of my house.

I quickly shoved the plug back in, but it was too late, the damage was done. Naked and scrabbling on all fours, I clawed at the clumps of hair and other shite that was clogging up the drain under the sink. Alas, to no avail. The blockage was in an area deep down a tube somewhere that I couldn’t reach.

The Clean-up Process

Well, I stumbled into my once-living-room-now-turned-urine-aquarium and hobbled around naked on one foot with kitchen paper looping around my ears. Two full rolls of kitchen paper later, and it had barely soaked up anything. Four tiny towels were then put to good use as I messaged my boyfriend at the time in despair. Guys are better with this stuff after all.

Me: Help! The bathroom has flooded! It’s an emergency! I need your help!

My boyfriend: I can’t. You will have to deal with it. Sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing my deeply caring boyfriend! *Jots down another reason to stop dating Japanese men.*

What Happened Next?

Well, I mopped up all the water and left the remaining bathwater in the tub.

At the present moment of writing, three days have passed since the event. I badgered my boyfriend into calling up the emergency help-centre number printed on my building:

“You will have to pay for the repairs.”

“But, I pay rent for this?”

“Ask the caretaker stationed in your building.”

As the caretaker was off duty at the weekend (this all happened on a Saturday), I made three different phone calls. Being Japan, of course, I was then diverted from person to person and never got anywhere. I then received two different phone calls saying that what I am asking of them is apparently an impossible task. And then I finally found and spoke to the caretaker:

“Phone your landlord, all I do is take the bins out and water down the steps.”

“Excellent.”

Why was this happening to me just because I peed in the bath?!

So, What The Smeg Are You Going To Do, Jade?

Well, I received a final phone call from a gentleman this morning. He told me that they COULD send a plumber, but I would be responsible for paying the 20,000-30,000¥ fee (approx £139-209).

Unsure why this would be the case and not in the mood for an argument in Japanese over the phone, I accepted this fact. He told me it would be better for me to go and buy some sink cleaner to unclog the pipes.

Fun fact coming up! The word he used was “medicine”. Imagine that – “Sink medicine”! Sounds awful, doesn’t it!

Moral Of This Very Long-winded Story

Don’t pee in the bath because it might just happen that the drain gets clogged and what was once a nice, contained area of urine now becomes a fully unleashed, house-destroying flow of hell.

Related Article: The Time I Accidentally Hatched Mosquitoes in My Japanese Sharehouse Bedroom

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The End.

Hope you enjoyed reading about my recent miseries!

Give this a like and a share if you feel like being generous and helping me to smite my own name as someone who is happy to have peed in the bath.

Have a lovely day!

Jade xxx